Today’s flim flam is in a hot funk with a train company

There is, so Wikipedia tell us (and who are we to argue?), “a scientific consensus that perpetual motion is impossible, as it would violate the first or second law of thermodynamics”. But the Mill has never been one to kowtow to consensus, scientific or otherwise. Impossible? Pah! For perpetual motion the boffins need only look at the world of transfer tittle-tattle.

Take Manchester United‘s imminent signing of Juan Mata. Once that goes through it leaves Chelsea with a gap to fill and, depending on which of Thursday’s papers you’d like to believe, one of four players will be filling it. The Blues may battle Liverpool for the £16m signing of FC Basle’s Mohamed Salah. They may turn their attention to Real Sociedad’s Antoine Griezmann and a £24m fee. They may nab Fredy Guarin on the cheap from Internazionale. Or, perhaps most intriguingly, they’ll bide their time and launch a big-money raid for Everton’s Ross Barkley in the summer.

Whichever path Chelsea take, one of those four clubs will be left with a similar-shaped hole in their squad. Cue scouting, negotiating, gossiping, targeting, raiding, signing. And someone else is left a player short. Cue scouting, negotiating, gossiping, targeting, raiding, signing. And someone else is left a player short. Cue … well, you get the idea by now. The machine rolls on noiselessly, inexorably, fuelled only by itself.

It’s a majestic thing at times, like some grand cosmic piece of clockwork. Though not always – in today’s “What? Seriously? Really?” Department, Sunderland want Georgios Samaras from Celtic for £2m, Fulham’s Philippe Senderos is on Lazio’s winter shopping list and Swansea are considering a move for Bolton striker David Ngog.

Atlético Madrid are willing to pay £20m for Chelsea goalkeeper Thibaut Courtois. Although given that he is in his third season on loan at the Calderón, the Spanish club might be better off doing what everybody else does when they’ve borrowed something for an extended period by sticking the Belgium stopper in the back of a cupboard and hoping the original owner forgets all about him.

Atleti’s opponents in the last 16 of the Champions League, Milan, are also keen on a goalkeeper. They want Leicester City’s Kasper Schmeichel to replace the ageing Christian Abbiati and are prepared to pay £3.5m even though the Foxes man is out of contract at the end of the season.

West Ham want to raise their hipster quotient with the signing of former Liverpool and Chelsea midfielder Raul Meireles from Fenerbahce. And Sam Allardyce is also mulling over moves for Catania’s Maxi López and Marco Borriello of Roma.

Arsenal will try to push through a £35m deal for Schalke forward and 1980s Hollywood action-thriller movie bad guy Julian Draxler in order to avoid a summer auction. They’ll fail, so the grapevine reckons, but they’ll try. And that’s the most important thing.

Besiktas want Newcastle’s Papiss Cissé. Alan Pardew wants £10m for the striker. Besiktas are only interested in a loan. Something’s got to give. Cardiff expect to snap up Wilfried Zaha from Manchester United, also on loan.

Collapse watch: Lacina Traoré’s loan to Everton from Monaco could be off after Radamel Falcao’s knee knack, Jackson Martínez is set to sign a new contract at Porto, thwarting Arsenal and Chelsea, and the Gunners have pricked up their ears after hearing that Mirko Vucinic‘s move to Internazionale could be about to fall through.

• Transfer window

John Ashdown

theguardian.com