Today’s tell-all appears to have difficulty counting

Two more sleeps, readers. Two more sleeps until this gets real and the entire nation sits glued to the screen, goggle-eyed as Jim White goes beetroot in the face and bellows news that Shola Ameobi has joined Middlesbrough on loan, while Harry Redknapp peers out of a car window, Peter Odemwingie shivers in a car park and Roll-Up Man shrugs his shoulders. Two more sleeps.

Unfortunately the fact that some deals are going to be completed already, Deadline Day may be robbed of some of its high drama and tension – for instance, Yohan Cabaye, mortally offended that Joe Kinnear never apologised for getting his name wrong by offering him an olive branch in the form of a conciliatory special edition Kinnear Kebab, is on the verge of joining Paris Saint-Germain today. You might think that’s a blow for Newcastle, but you’d be wrong, as it ensures that there is now absolutely no chance of them getting anywhere near the Europa League, which was cunning Mike Ashley’s plan all along. The 0-0 draw at Norwich City was just the start and it is to be hoped that potential signings, Luuk de Jong of Borussia Monchengladbach and Clement Grenier of Lyon, take their time settling in England. Wouldn’t want anyone to hit the ground running and find themselves responsible for a damaging rise up the table.

Chelsea have been busy this month and there’s still time for more business, assuming José Mourinho isn’t still merry from all that birthday Cristal champagne at his latest press conference. Despite his protestations that he doesn’t want a new striker, Chelsea might sign a new striker. Atletico Madrid’s Diego Costa fits the bill at £32m and his arrival would also have the effect of annoying Arsenal, who have been scouting the Brazilian for ages.

Also potentially on his way to Stamford Bridge is Southampton’s left-back, Luke Shaw, who would rather join Chelsea than Manchester United. Just when David Moyes thought all the pieces were coming together. At least he can console himself with pretending that Toni Kroos is actually going to leave Bayern Munich. United reckon the German schemer is theirs for £25m, which is sweet, and are also eyeing Porto’s Nicolas Otamendi.

Unfortunately Ed Woodward, unsure why Moyes wants to sign a popular Israeli chef, may pull the plug on any deal – better keep him locked in his office and away from the negotiations, you don’t want him messing up.

Arsenal are also ready raid the in-crisis Bundesliga, having made a £24.7m bid for Schalke’s Julian Draxler. The Mill likes this new decisive Arsène Wenger. It’s gone weak at the news and light in the head.

Blackpool’s Tom Ince has an array of suitors to choose from, with Crystal Palace, Hull, Stoke, Sunderland and Swansea all interested in Guv’nor Junior. No offence, but any one of those would do. Meanwhile Fulham are

closing in on an £11m deal – or £12m depending on which rag you believe – for Olympiakos striker Kostas Mitroglu. How about some defenders, Rene? Any defenders? Rene?

Liverpool want Atletico’s Arda Turan but so do Manchester City, so that’s that then. And that’s the Mill! Two more sleeps, readers! Two more sleeps until Jim White Day!

Jacob Steinberg

theguardian.com