Today’s fluff has pinpointed a pickle

Like a gangster ordered to take part in one last heist before he’s allowed to leave the Mob, Wayne Rooney has been told he’ll only be sold by Manchester United if he helps them qualify for the Champions League this season.

We know this because the Daily Star overheard the conversation on a bus or something. But the pickle is this: if it emerges that United cannot reach the Champions League, will they ease off to make sure they do not make the Europa League?

Nevermind the issue of whether any easing off would actually be required, the point is that United would have a powerful incentive not to qualify for Europe’s second-rate competition, as having to start their campaign in July could force them to cancel their planned tour of Malcolm Glazer’s USA. That could have a hefty commercial impact on the club, not to mention deprive photographers of opportunities to get amusing shots of Ashley Young at Niagara Falls and David Moyes alongside Goofy. No, that wasn’t a reference to Rio Ferdinand.

Any puny hope that United entertain of perusading Paul Pogba to return to Old Trafford will soon be obliterated, as Paris Saint-Germain prepare a £60m bid to prise the Sir Alex Ferguson blunder from Juventus.

Meanwhile, United’s chief tormentor on Sunday, Samuel Eto’o, has revealed that when his short-term deal at Chelsea expires, he could re-join Mallorca because that’s where his son wants to live.

Sulley Muntari wants to live not in Milan but in Hull, of course. At least that’s what Steve Bruce hopes as he lines up a £4m deal for the Ghana international.

Modibo Maiga can live wherever the hell he wants to. That seems to be West Ham’s attitude and Sivasspor of Turkey are ready to provide a new home to the striker who has completely failed to transform himself into Andy Carroll despite Sam Allardyce’s repeated orders to do.

Louis van Gaal has disclosed that he was among the throng of managers who turned down Tottenham Hotspur before the club felt it had no choice but to give the job to Tim Sherwood.

Nouveau château manager, Alan DePardew, is looking forward to adding another compatriot to his colony in the north-east of England, as a deal has been struck to sign Rémy Cabella from Montpellier, but not until the summer.

Norwich want some French action too, so Chris Hughton will pick up the former Bordeaux centreback Michaël Ciani, who is currently with Lazio.

Juan Agudelo, the striker whose presence on Stoke’s book has been a tease all season, has been loaned out to FC Utrecht until the end of the season, by which time Stoke hope he will have become eligible for a work permit so that they can actually play him themselves.

Finally, the reason for Reading’s sudden goal-fest on Saturday has become clear: they were trying to impress a bunch of Omani oil gods who are thinking of buying the club from Anton Zingarevich and John Madejski. So at least Dougie Freedman now knows how to stimulate improved performances from his Bolton players: tell them they are about to be taken over by some mega-rich tycoon such as, say, Beyonce.

• Transfer window
• Paris Saint-Germain
• Manchester United

Paul Doyle

theguardian.com