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A BIG SHIRT TO FILL
Widespread was the bemusement that greeted Chelsea’s decision to sell Juan Mata to Manchester United and watching the Spaniard’s unveiling as a Manchester United player this afternoon, the Fiver could understand why. Good looking, utterly charming and exuding the warmth of 10,000 suns, the Spanish midfielder seems like a friendly labrador pup anyone would be glad to have around, even if he isn’t quite as hard-working as the Brazilian mastiff known for its superior tracking ability, aggressiveness and unforgiving impetuous temperament that you keep picking to go on walks instead of it. Indeed, so infectious was Mata’s obvious delight at being a Manchester United player, that he even managed to bring a beaming grin to the face of David Moyes, a man whose countenance has recently looked more haunted than the house that ends up being sucked into a different dimension at the end of Poltergeist.
The pair began their press conference by posing for photographers with the No8 jersey recently vacated by Anderson, prompting monotonously predictable jokes about the garment being covered in gravy stains and being a very big shirt to fill. It was not the first time United’s latest acquisition has posed with a shirt since arriving at Old Trafford by helicopter on Saturday and he is clearly beside himself with delight at the prospect of becoming a regular first-choice selection for a manager, presumably starting against Cardiff City at Old Trafford tomorrow night.
“I just wanted to go to a place where I would feel happy,” he said, suggesting he may originally have been lured into the United whirlybird on the promise of a trip to EuroDisney. “It’s a new challenge for me. This one was a massive challenge for me. What I like the most about this club is the character. I think if another club were in this position in the league, I think it would be very difficult to come back and take first position, but this club can do it. This is the real image I have from Man United, always fighting to win titles, always coming back from difficult moments.”
A model of diplomacy throughout his launch party, even when mischievous hacks were teeing him up with one opportunity after another to take pot-shots at his former manager José Mourinho, Mata said he’d happily go “anywhere” upon being asked which position in the United line-up he’d most like to occupy. In the wake of David De Gea’s howler in Manchester United’s most recent defeat, the Fiver can think of one berth that could be up for grabs.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I expected him to come to me in a flashy car, but I ended up driving him about in my old blue Fiesta and I was left to pay and display. Then he said he was taking me to Nando’s – my face fell” – Turns out Adnan Januzaj was right not to take Melissa McKenzie to a more expensive restaurant, given she immediately went to a tabloid and whinged about it.
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“On hearing that Manchester Citeh, the new benevolent overlords of Flamin’ Gallahball’s basement club, Melbourne Heart, are planning to change the name of the franchise to Melbourne Citeh (Friday’s Bits and Bobs), I can’t help but feel that an opportunity has been missed. I mean, when else will there be a chance to create a real-life, Roy of the Rovers-esque, Melchester Rovers? Harry Kewell could play Roy Race. (*chortle*)” – Neil Campbell.
“Mike Wilner’s question about types of steam other than ‘hot’ (Friday’s letters). What about the stuff that comes out of your freezer?” – Daniel Doody (and 1,056 other steam-obsessed pedants).
“The boiling point of water reduces in low pressure environments*. It can get as low as a relatively fresh 18C in a near vacuum. *Insert joke about whether the Portuguese second division is a low pressure environment or not” – Oliver Creasey.
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BITS AND BOBS
Arsène Wenger is to sign a new contract at Arsenal. “Arsène will be extending [his contract] with us and at the right time we will make that announcement,” cheered Ivan Gazidis, the second part of his sentence seemingly blissfully unaware of the first. Puma have also agreed to give the Gunners £150m to make their kit for them.
Liverpool used a Bill Shankly quote – “If you’re part of a club, you’re part of a big society” – at their big launch today. A deal with local schools? A new scheme to tackle youth crime in the area? Plans to work with underprivileged children? Nope – the unveiling of Indonesian airline Garuda as the club’s first official training kit sponsor. Grave. Spinning. In. His. (And Farnborough FC got there first in any case).
Leighton Baines has signed a four-year contract with Everton. “It is a great boost internally,” said manager Roberto Martínez, making his left-back sound like a probiotic yoghurt.
Beancounters at West Ham say the club’s debt has risen to £77m, a figure slightly higher than the GDP of Montserrat.
Milan have signed Michael Essien from Chelsea.
Evo-Stik South side Goole have parted company with manager David Holdsworth, less than 48 hours after defender Karl Colley stomped into the stands to confront visiting supporters during the match against Coalville. Former professional boxer Curtis Woodhouse has been placed in caretaker charge. Obviously.
After a confusing final weekend at Oxford (chairman says manager has resigned, manager’s agent says manager has not resigned, club put out statement confirming manager has indeed resigned), Chris Wilder has been appointed as manager of Northampton.
Swansea have signed David Ngog from Bolton. For some reason.
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You might think Emile Heskey has no place in a goals of the week blog … and you’d be right: because while everyone else is banging them in, here he is missing a sitter.
Edward Woodward is now such a transfer expert, he managed to prise Juan Mata from Chelsea without even bothering to speak to the London club, writes Daniel Taylor.
Now Manchester United have proved they can locate their wallet, Jamie Jackson invites them to open it again for three other players.
Lazio might have a miserable pessimist up front, but they’re not letting that bother them, reckons Paolo Bandini.
Klaas-Jan Huntelaar scores when he wants (if he’s playing HSV), writes Raphael Honigstein.
How a small town pharmacist brought down the president of Barcelona. Sid Lowe gets his blog on.
Fans of discussions on railway junctions will be disappointed to learn that our Talking Points blog is actually on the weekend’s FA Cup ties.
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THIS ONE’S FOR YOU WIDDICOMBE
Barry Glendenning
theguardian.com