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A BOOST FOR THOMAS INCE’S CAREER

Today the Fiver finds itself thinking of the time that Father Ted had to wake up Father Jack to tell him that Father Stone was coming to visit. Anticipating a tumultuous reaction, Ted donned full NFL padding and prodded the sleeping father with a long stick, staying sufficiently far away to ensure he had a head start in case he had to

flee. And we can’t help wondering whether Blackpool big cheese Karl Oyston took similar precautions today when he informed the club’s manager that he was being relieved of his duties. Note: the Fiver is in no way suggesting that Paul Ince is or ever has been a filthy old dipsomaniac priest.

What the Fiver is saying, on the other hand, is that Ince has a tendency to take unhappy tidings about as well as certain editors that the Fiver honestly didn’t realise were standing so close to take kicks in the swingers. Why, it was only this season that Ince was handed a five-match stadium ban for “violently shoving” a fourth official before bombarding him with F-bombs and a threat to “knock you out, you c …”. And one of the problems Blackpool had after appointing Ince last February was that many of their players seemed to adopt a similarly rambunctious spirit, which may account for the fact that Blackpool had as many red cards (eight) as wins this season.

Following a run of nine defeats and one draw from their last 10 games, Oyston summoned Ince to his house for a meeting on Sunday night. The discussions lasted four hours but did not end with Ince being sacked, the chairman apparently waiting until he was safely two days away before breaking the bad news – by text, if Sky Sports News is to be believed.

“Blackpool Football Club can confirm that manager Paul Ince and assistants Alex Rae and Steve Thompson have had their contracts terminated with immediate effect,” trumpeted the club in a statement on its website this afternoon. The club have not yet said whether they are seeking a replacement who will be a more serene influence. But the early indications suggest not. “Barry Ferguson will take charge of training when the players return on Thursday,” concluded the statement.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

Join Scott Murray from 7.30pm GMT for minute-by-minute coverage of West Ham 0-1 Man City (0-7 agg).

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“The club can categorically state that nobody was threatened with a brick” – Swansea deny suggestions that Chico Flores threatened to get creative with some hard core during a contretemps with Garry Monk during training, though the club did confirm that yr heddlu were called by a member of the public.

FIVER LETTERS

“Some people may find the South African FA are being overambitious in choosing to get rid of their nickname (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). After all, nicknames are given to you rather than chosen by you. However my own experience may give them some comfort. Many years ago as a teenager reluctant to spend hard earned cash on a decent haircut, I was nicknamed Worzel Gummidge by my school friends. I didn’t much care for it and wanted to change it. I always fancied being called Flash but that never happened. Now as I near my 50th birthday I’ve settled for Baldy. The South African FA should be careful what it wishes for” – Andrew Gerrard.

“I wonder if the ‘second-rate humorist’ who thought up the name Jérôme Champagne might be a fan of Val Kilmer’s finest work. Some might argue the point that that would also make them a second-rate plagiarist too. Or a first-rate plagiarist. Or something” – Tim Grey.

“Is it just ‘moi’ or are there 1,057 other fiver readers who have noted Fifa’s fictitous M Champagne suspiciously bears more than a passing resemblance to none other than Manchester’s quirky troubador Mark E Smith of the post-punk outfit, The Fall? (Yes it’s just you – Fiver Ed)” – Ben Carlish.

• Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is: Andrew Gerrard.

JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES

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BITS AND BOBS

Manchester United will not let Wayne Rooney to go to Chelsea as part of a possible deal for Juan Mata because they do not want to sell him to a direct rival. You can probably add the punchline yourself.

Nicolas Anelka is “considering his options” – both of them – after he was charged by the FA for celebrating a goal.

Ossie Ardiles is in hospital following a car crash in the Falkland Islands. A nurse at the hospital described him as “fine”, which sits between “not bad” and “tickedyboo” on the unofficial list of medical conditions that all the hip doctors and nurses are using these days.

Moses Swaibu has been bailed after appearing in court accused of involvement in an alleged match-fixing conspiracy

And appointing staff with football expertise is a bit 2013, grandpa. Progressive soccer outfit Southampton are planning to appoint Ralph Kreuger, a former professional ice hockey player, to their reshaped management structure, and the former table tennis world champion Cai Zhenhua is to become the new president of the Chinese Football Association.

STILL WANT MORE?

Jamie Jackson answers the question that has been asked in Wetherspoons up and down the land: what tactical system might Manchester United employ if they buy Juan Mata?

Manchester City’s beastly boy, Alvaro Negredogol, gets the treatment in this week’s Gallery.

The word in the Guardian canteen is that the public wants best XIs from the Premier League, La Liga, Serie A and Ligue 1, plus analysis of why Swansea City have struggled this season, and the public gets what the public wants.

Oh, and if it’s your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.

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ONE FOR THE PANTHEON OF BAD IDEAS

• Blackpool

Paul Doyle

theguardian.com