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TALKING TURKEY

With political demonstrations against The Man scheduled in Istanbul’s Taksim Square today and 1,300 travelling Chelsea fans having been told to assemble there before being transported to their Big Cup game against Galatasaray tonight, the Fiver can’t help but wonder what might possibly go wrong. Minor stabbings (in so much as actually sticking a blade in somebody can ever be described as ‘minor’) perpetrated by locals on a couple of visiting fans last night could make for an even more tense atmosphere in what sounds like a potential powder keg, so the Fiver’s hoping all concerned go about their respective business of protesting and bus-boarding in a peaceful manner without so much as a single plastic patio chair being hurled in anger.

During his pre-match lecture on professional ethics (chronicled in yesterday’s Fiver), José Mourinho – who once poked former Barcelona manager Tito Vilanova in the eye from behind and played a prominent role in the hounding of Swedish referee Anders Frisk into retirement – took time out from tut-tutting the assembled hacks to spout some of his more common-or-garden cobblers about his rag-bag team of Chelsea journeymen being no good. Unlike similar comments made last weekend, he fully intended these ones to be broadcast. “They have fantastic players who are used to playing games like this,” sighed his opposite number Roberto Mancini, before ridiculously downplaying his own team’s chances. “They are 80% to go through. Yes, I said 80%, not 18%.”

Of course Galatasaray themselves have no shortage of decent players who are used to playing games like this, with many of them having done so under the stewardship of Mourinho. Midfielder Wesley Sneijder is one such man, having won Big Cup with Internazionale back in 2010. “What can I say about Mourinho?” he said, getting the Fiver’s antennae twitching at the prospect of a lengthy diatribe about his former manager’s poor table manners, addiction to Tetris and irritating habit of delivering half-time team talks through the medium of modern dance. “We won this trophy together. But tomorrow is completely different, although outside the match we are friends. It’s an important game, a game I want to win. I respect him a lot as we all respect Chelsea. We want to go all out for victory.” On a day of potential violence on and off the field in Turkey, Sneijder’s comments brought to mind the words of our fellow pacifist Mahatma Gandhi, who once said: “Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love.”

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

Follow Schalke 0-2 Real Madrid with Jacob Steinberg and Galatasaray 0-1 Chelsea with Barry Glendenning from 7.45pm

QUOTE OF THE DAY I

“The shirt is a fun, modern interpretation of one of Scotland’s most iconic jerseys and pays homage to the colours of Lord Rosebery” – the Scottish FA manfully attempts to defend the newly launched Scotland away kit. “It will certainly make us stand out from the crowd,” added Scott Brown, presumably through gritted teeth and a rictus grin.

FIVER LETTERS

“I notice both your comment about having tens of readers (yesterday’s Fiver) and your regular assertion that 1057 pedants write in to complain (almost every Fiver you care to mention). Does this mean that arithmetic is just another thing to add to the long list of things that The Fiver is not very good at?” – John Stainton.

“I hate to be pedantic (OK, I’m a Fiver reader so that’s a lie) but if the average Australian teenager has 1,057 things in their bedroom (yesterday’s Fiver letters) then why is the show called OneFiveZeroSeven?” – Brendan Mackinney.

“Re: Phillipa Suárez’s letter (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Based on the Monaco population Phillipa states, the Stade Louis II can house nearer 51.2% of the population rather than 51.25% claimed. Traditional use of more decimal places is to increase accuracy, not decrease it. Even if you add on 38 ‘participants’ (22 players, 10 subs, two managers, four officials) you’re at almost exactly 51.3%. This has ruined an otherwise perfectly average edition of The Fiver, so thanks for that” – Glenn Leete.

“Sorry to be pedantic, Fiver. I would like to point out that just because Luis spells his name with an acute accent over the a, doesn’t mean we all do. We are not related and easy to tell apart: he is the one that can score goals and bite people very hard, whereas I am the one with many talents, none of which pays quite as well’ – Phillipa Suarez (not Phillipa Suárez)

• Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Glenn Leete.

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BITS AND BOBS

Is David Moyes going to get the sack? Naaaaaaa.

Chelsea’s security advisors and the British Consulate in Istanbul are working together to investigate two stabbings on travelling supporters, prior to this evening’s Champions League tie against Galatasaray.

Shay Given wants out at Aston Villa. “It has been really frustrating not playing. Maybe there is a Championship club out there who might want me on loan”, he fished.

WemblEE have tied up a six-year multi-million pound partnership deal with EE, providing a “technology road map” (whatever that might be) for fans attending the venue, starting with Sunday’s League Cup final.

Adidas have agreed to stop selling World Cup T-shirts that ‘encourage $exual tourism’

27 January: Sunderland manager Gus Poyet recalls Connor Wickham from loan spell at Sheffield Wednesday. 18 February: Wickham says: “I’ve spoken to the manager, and he’s just said I’m in his plans.” Today: Wickham joins Leeds United on loan.

STILL WANT MORE?

In our brand new series on revolutionary rule changes, Breaking the Law, dangerous free-thinker and possible madman John Ashdown suggests we need to think outside the box when it comes to penalties.

Page 42 Stunnah Marina Hyde on why outrage over Rooney’s £300,000 deal is aimed at the wrong target.

Some people are scared of spiders. Some people are scared of heights. For some it’s snakes. Or enclosed space. Jonathan Wilson, though, is terrified of Sunderland winning the League Cup.

If Tuesday night wasn’t bad enough for Manchester United fans, here’s Daniel Harris with five more of their most miserable nights in the Champions League

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“CAPTAIN TO MY CAPTAIN”

Barry Glendenning

theguardian.com