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It’s Friday afternoon and all the Fiver wants to look forward to is its traditional Friday evening: a cry, a microwaved ready-meal for one, another cry, a request for next door to keep that bloody racket down, some screaming into a pillow, a firmer request for next door to keep that bloody racket down because the Fiver can’t hear the television over the din, a plaintive request to join next door’s party, a punch in the face from next door, tears, blood, a trip to A&E, a cry and then a sleep. All before 9pm. But no. Not this week. Instead some television goon has gone and scheduled Arsenal’s salivating fourth-round FA Cup tie against Northampton’s Coventry City for this evening and, in the interests of making it look like we do our jobs properly, we’ve got to make a show of watching the match in order to look good on Twitter. And just like that, the Fiver’s plans for a wild Friday night went up in flames. Kaboom! Honestly, some people.
It’s an outrage, is what it is. What’s more, the Man has even pressed the Fiver into writing a match preview, threatening to remove our tear ducts if we don’t, thereby ruining all future Friday nights. Coventry fans aren’t happy about the situation either, angry that they’re being forced to travel down to London tonight instead of, say, on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Maybe the suits actually think they all live in Northampton, where Coventry have been forced to play their home games this season because of the manoeuvring of the various spoofers, chancers and professional dunderheads who have been running the club for the past few years. They’ve not had many positives to shout about, Coventry fans, but they do plan to make a noise for the cameras tonight: expect to hear chants asking why they’re playing home games in Northampton and when they’ll be returning to Coventry. Presumably the Football Association with Budweiser will be suitably red-faced.
Still, a visit to the Emirates will be an occasion to remember for the Sky Blues, even if the League One mid-tablers did lose 6-1 there in the League Cup last season. It might be similarly painful this evening and Arsenal will surely have their game faces on in order to ensure there is no repeat of last season’s dismal humiliation at home to Blackeye Rovers in the fifth round of the FA Cup. But maybe Arsenal will have taken their eye off the ball and Coventry will have a night to rival winning the final against Tottenham in 1987. After all, Arsène Wenger has made the mistake of getting involved in Chelsea’s sale of Juan Mata in the build-up to the match, a move he’s probably regretting now that José Mourinho is busy poking him in the chest. Some people never learn. Including the Fiver, who thought the authorities might have stopped messing about with football by now. But no. FA Cup with Budweiser on a Friday night it is. That microwave meal will have to wait until next week.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Sachin Nakrani from 7.30pm GMT for minute-by-minute coverage of Arsenal 4-1 Coventry.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s ridiculous. I’ve not got any sympathy for him at all because he’s done it to himself. He fell out of a tree when he was trying to get a cat … You just don’t get professional players climbing trees” – Oxford City boss Mike Ford has the funk on over French keeper Victor Francoz, who suffered calf-knack when trying to rescue a stranded moggy. “Now we don’t have Victor because he’s gone back to France for a couple of weeks to have treatment,” sniffed Ford.
FIVER LETTERS
“While I am unable to shed further light on the ‘incident’ which led to Dani Osvaldo’s suspension (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs), I am willing to postulate that neither a cow’s backside nor a banjo were involved” – Mr P.
“Re: the Fiver’s description of a Portuguese team spokesman having ‘hot steam’ whistling out of his ears (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Question: what other type of steam is there?” – Mike Wilner.
“A letter in the Fiver mentioning Mido without any jibes or jabs about his weight (yesterday’s Fiver letters)? What is the world coming to? PS: he’s large” – Ferg Slade.
“Can we just not mention Mido at all? Some of us (poor suffering) West Ham fans still have nightmares about signing him in a previous transfer window … not to mention this one. Shame he never got to link up with Benni McCarthy. Now there’s a forward line that would pack a paunch. Sorry” – Ian Sargeant.
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BITS AND BOBS
Now Manuel Pellegrini has tiptoed into the dull debate about footballers scandalously being transferred in the transfer window. The transfer window, for Pete’s sake! “Personally I don’t agree that the player [Juan Mata] can go from one team to another team in the same league at this part of the year,” he whinged.
Meanwhile, Mata’s move to Manchester United has been delayed, with his medical potentially not happening until the weekend and the deal still requiring some work to be completed.
Robert Lewandowski has denied hitting a teenage Borussia Dortmund fan who made an offensive gesture taunting the Pole over his impending move to Bayern Munich. “I want to clearly state that I never used violence against people who violated my private sphere,” trilled Lewandowski. “I have no intention of teaching teenagers how to behave but I will not allow for my family and myself to be offended.”
Russia have handed Fabio Capello an extended contract with the national team until 2018. “We have big plans and I will do everything I can to ensure the Russian fans are happy,” cheered Capello.
Lord Ferg has been appointed as Uefa’s coaching ambassador. It really is spoiling us.
St Johnstone have signed Chris Iwelumo until the end of the season, the 17th club of his career.
And in a bid to shake-up those miserable, will-to-live-sapping international weeks, Uefa plans to spread Euro 2016 qualifiers out over six days, rather than play them all on Friday and Tuesday nights.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
AC Jimbo has got some hot European papers to flick through. Join him.
STILL WANT MORE?
Arsenal’s next Fábregas? David Hytner on 16-year-old wonderkid Gedion Zelalem, who wasn’t even born when Arsène Wenger first took over the club.
Proper Journalism’s David Conn explains how an invisible man is giving Bournemouth their moment in the sun.
Ten things to look out for in this weekend’s FA Cup fourth round.
Taylor/Clough.
History is repeating itself at Manchester United, reckons Richard Williams: for the travails of David Moyes read Wilf McGuinness under Matt Busby.
The first of Richard Hall’s Serie A club guides on Atalanta prompted a local paper and a section of fans in Bergamo to get in a strop. So here’s the latest one on Bologna.
Oh, and if it’s your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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Jacob Steinberg
theguardian.com