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HE’S NOT THE MOYES-SIAH, HE’S A VERY UNAMBITIOUS BOY
If last night’s wholly preposterous Tin Pot semi-final between Manchester United and Sunderland taught us anything, it’s that this tactic David Moyes likes, the one where his teams sit back and soak up pressure with a view to defending a one-goal lead, is not very brilliant. We’ve spotted flaws. Not only that, look what happens when the side *does* end up piling forward in the Fergusonian manner! Seconds after hipster-keeper David de Gea bent down to gather a Phil Bardsley backpass with all the grace of a half-cut Hoxtonian wearing ballcrushing skinny jeans and weighed down by a record bag containing the entire output of Fleetwood Mac, Steely Dan and John Coltrane on reissued 180g vinyl, Adnan Januzaj, Chris Smalling and Javier Hernandez immediately put together a goalscoring move that made Hungary 1953 look like Wimbledon 1986. What a goal! What a team! What a tactic. Dear oh dear.
Not everyone involved with United has responded well to their defeat yesterday eve. One particular buffoon rather deliciously phoned Greater Manchester Filth, demanding to speak to Lord Ferg about matters pertaining to United’s recent form. Yeah, I do want to report a crime: the crime that United were knackered,” he slurred at a heroically patient operator in a tired and emotional fashion. “Obviously, it can be a sad and depressing moment when you’re football team loses a game,” began a polis release, which doubled as a come-and-get-me plea to Big Paper for a job as a sub-editor, “however can we all please remember that 999 is to be used for emergencies only.” Rumours that the miscreant was either Sir Bobby Charlton or David Moyes himself are surely wide of the mark, though we’re ruling nothing out at this early stage.
Thankfully, the loss led to more constructive and proactive behaviour in others. United suit Ed Woodward has finally taken his feet off the desk and sorted out a big-name transfer, namely the £37m purchase of Chelsea reject Juan Mata. The Spanish international has flown to Manchester in a helicopter, a notable journey not only because he’s about to sign, but also as it’s the only time that particular mode of transport has been deployed during a January transfer window without an accompanying soundtrack of someone from Sky Sports News screaming and hollering in the modern, excitable, attention-grabbing, information-free method favoured by journalists these days.
As for Sunderland, who are off to Wembley, remember them in all this? After dancing and prancing all over the Old Trafford turf in the ‘happy’ and ‘successful’ style fondly remembered by long-in-the-tooth locals, they went home to dream dreamy dreams of their first major final since the 1992 FA Cup, and their first League Cup final since 1985. They’ll be underdogs at the March 2 showpiece against free-scoring Manchester City, but they’ll remember last season’s FA Cup final, and anything Wigan Athletic can do, Gus Poyet’s staunch side are surely capable of matching. “It’s been a difficult season, the fans deserve that,” said Poyet. “Let’s see if we can go one more and win it,” he added, having just witnessed at first hand how things can go pear-shaped very quickly if you insist on displaying a chronic lack of ambition.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I have always taken my strength from a river and I always will” – even for Phil Brown, that is quite a zinger.
MORALE-BOOSTER OF THE DAY
” This is ridiculous, grotesque, mediocre, shabby, the lowest of the low. We’ve hit rock bottom. We’ve had some very bad matches since the start of the season but there, we have truly hit the bottom in our inability to score. We had chances but we are of an incredible, unfathomable mediocrity. We have to question ourselves right away. This club is 140 years old, it is prestigious. We shouldn’t have to deal with this kind of behaviour. We’re no longer in the [Euro Vase], Coupe de la Ligue or Coupe de France. [They must] look in the mirror and be ashamed of what they did. If this isn’t the case, I no longer understand football or life. We are at the very bottom” – Bordeaux general manager Alain Deveseleer rallies the troops.
FIVER LETTERS
“The Fiver mentioning Mido (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) without any jabs or jibes about his weight? Just what is the world coming to?” – Craig Hills.
“Matt Dony’s letter about Southampton’s, er, innovative recruitment policy (Fiver passim) alludes to Santayana’s remark about forgetting the past. This may be apposite, but Marx may prove to be even closer to the mark when
noting that history repeats itself, ‘the first [time] as tragedy, then as farce’” – Steve Allen.
“I am sure I will only be one of 1,057 pedants to speculate as to the surname of the very witty winner of yesterday’s prizeless letter o’ the day but, much as it is a long shot, I would love it to be Bogtrotter (of Roald Dahl’s ‘Matilda’ fame). The signs are there if, still scarred by the memory of eating the chocolate cake prepared by the Trunchbull, he did indeed feed his children a can of cake frosting for dinner …” – Chris Duffy.
• Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is: Craig Hills.
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BITS AND BOBS
Super sleuth Arsène Wenger has looked at the fixtures and noticed that Chelsea don’t have to play Manchester United again so selling Juan Mata is unfair. “I think if you want to respect the fairness for everybody exactly the same, that should not happen,” said Wenger whose Arsenal, funnily enough, play United on 12 February.
Southampton have suspended their recording signing Dani Osvaldo following what the club have enticingly described as “an incident”.
Liverpool’s Glen Johnson has been ruled out for “an indefinite period of time” due to assorted knack that probably includes a nasty bout of talent-knack.
Romelu Lukaku is sorry. “There has been a misunderstanding and I want to clarify that I was in no way endorsing the gesture made by Nicolas [Anelka].”
FA supremo Greg Dyke has considered Assem Allam’s bid to change Hull City’s name before generously tossing the club’s manager Bernard Cribbins a tasty hospital pass. “I’d be interested to know if it bothered him or not,” buck-passed Dyke.
Portugese second division club Leixões have got the hot funk on after six players were shown red cards and a coach was sent to the stands in the 1-1 draw with Sporting Lisbon B. “There was no pitched battle as might be thought from the total of 16 cards shown to the two teams,” parped a club suit via the medium of hot steam whistling out of his ears.
Radamel Falcao’s World Cup probably isn’t happening after he suffered severe knee-knack playing for Monaco against Chasselay.
And former Ghana and Marseille striker Arthur Moses has warned fellow Ghanaian footballers to beware of gold-digging wives. “Look at my wife. I have built two houses for her, along with another for her mother telling a court that I told her never to work and promised to share all my property with her,” he 1970s-ed. “Now the court wants me to give her my three other houses, buy her land and build her a shop.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Wayne Rooney to Real Madrid? Pah, says Sid Lowe.
AC Jimbo with a full head of hair? It must be a 1995 Football Italia clip featuring Gazza in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Ricardo Bochini was small, ungainly and had a powder-puff shot but Diego Maradona loved him, cheers Jonathan Wilson.
Tom Lutz goes above and beyond to make Manchester United players feel a little cheerier by retelling the tale of Mickleover Lightning Blue Sox v Chellaston Boys B and the paltry three successful penalties that were scored from 66.
Oh, and if it’s your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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WHY?
Scott Murray
theguardian.com