Click here to have the Fiver sent to your inbox every weekday at 5pm, or if your usual copy has stopped arriving
CHAMPAGNE SUPERNOVA
The world of football was reeling today after fictional character Jérôme Champagne announced his intention to become president of Fifa. “His name was clearly invented by a second-rate humorist in a crude effort to parody the entire people of France,” said one irate compatriot, François Oohlala, as demonstrators gathered outside the Elysée Palace. “All they have done is take a popular French first name, and then randomly add a famous French noun. Monsieur Champagne lacks all credibility,” said another, Thierry Arcdetriomphe. “It’s worse than that, as it reinforces the crude and offensive idea that all us French care about is food and fine wine,” added a passer-by, Jean-Charles Châteaulafite-Escargot.
But as he today launched his bid to replace the incumbent, Sepp Blatter, M. Champagne insisted he was very much real, even if his chances of victory were not. “We need a different Fifa, more democratic, more respected,” he said, as he outlined a vision for the game that features orange cards, sin-bins and respected referees. Yes, but could you actually beat Blatter in a head-to-head votedown, he was asked. “I don’t think so,” Champagne bubbled. “He’s someone of relevance.”
While the identification of the current Fifa president as someone of potential relevance to a discussion about the Fifa presidency might be analysis of the most Sheareresque obviousness, Champagne’s blunt self-dismissal must nevertheless be welcomed as the kind of refreshing honesty that has not been witnessed at Fifa’s headquarters, based in a hollowed-out volcano at a mystery location, for many years. And if M. Champagne’s critique is anything to go by, still won’t be for many years to come.
Champagne, a former deputy secretary general at Fifa who left in 2000 after falling out with Blatter, was immediately backed by Pelé. “Nicky Barmby is up there with Zinedine Zidane, Paolo Maldini and Ronaldo,” said the Brazilian. Oh hang on there, the Fiver has accidentally pulled the wrong Pelé quote out of the random Pelé quote generator. One moment, we’ll just pull the lever again. OK, here we go. “He is one of the players that most impresses me. He’s got great energy, great qualities and is a constant threat to defences … He’s one of the finest players in Europe,” said the Brazilian. Wait a minute, this thing is definitely broken, that was about Steve McManaman. Hang on, let me just hit this thing really hard with an outsize spanner. Righty ho, here goes: “He’s the best player in the World Cup up to this point. He’s a tremendous midfielder. He’s a good marker, he’s passionate, he gets forward and he passes well.” No, that was definitely about Nicky Butt. Jeez, this thing is seriously flawed. Hang on, let me just call customer support. Won’t be a moment. What’s that? Turn it off and turn it on again, you say. Sure. Just a moment, it’s restarting. OK, I’ll try again. “I cannot stay away from a debate which is so important for the future of football. Thus, I support Jérôme Champagne and his vision,” said the Brazilian. And, let’s face it, sooner or later he’s going to be right about something.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Simon Burnton from 7.30pm GMT for minute-by-minute coverage of West Brom 1-3 Everton.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s unbelievable that we haven’t got our own keeper and here we are in the middle of January. Using seven different keepers must be something of a record, and it’s highly likely we’ll need an eighth against Oxford. Some of the things we have had to contend with are so annoying” – Workington Reds boss Ian McDonald launches the hunt for an eighth goalkeeper of the season after the Evo Stik Premier Division club’s loan signing Daniel Nizic was sent off 20 minutes into his debut.
BALLON D’OR SPOT THE DIFFERENCE WITH FRANCK RIBÉRY
14 January: “I’m alright with it. Winning the Ballon d’Or was not the most important thing for me. I’m glad it’s all behind us. I now want to win a lot of trophies with Bayern once more.”
20 January: “I won everything, with the team and individually. Ronaldo won nothing. I feel I had earned this award. It’s all politics. The Golden Ball doesn’t interest me any more.”
FIVER LETTERS
“With news that Roddy Doyle has been chosen by Roy Keane to write his second set of memoirs (Friday’s Quote of the Day), can we expect chapters to include the following? A Star Called Henry – about Keane’s bitter rivalry with Arsenal’s Invincibles; The Non-Commitments – what happened in Saipan; The Dead Republic – O’Ireland under Stan ‘Steve’ Staunton; The Van Nistelrooy – a list of United players Keane didn’t really like; The Snapper – that tackle on Alf-Inge Haaland; Paddy Vieira Ha Ha Ha – a humorous look at pre-match tunnel insults; Oh, Play That Thing! – Keano’s frustrations with the likes of Kieran Richardson and Darren Fletcher laid bare; The Man Who Walked Outdoors – hilarious anecdotes about his walks with Triggs the dog” – Alan Gernon.
“I see that Brendan Rodgers expects $tevie Mbe to influence the game in the same way as Andrea Pirlo. I didn’t see much of this Pirlo bloke, on account of him being foreign and stuff. Was he rubbish at defending and booted the ball into Row Z regularly?” – Neale Redington.
“So the essential point of Friday’s Fiver was ‘blah blah blah FOOTBALL HAS STOPPED blah blah HELP blah’. Reap what you sow Fiver, reap what you sow …” – Robin Hazlehurst.
“After scraping out its barrel, turning it upside down, then pouring out the dust, the Fiver managed to pull together Friday’s ‘Bits and Bobs’. Following our introduction to match-result-predictor and Paul the Octopus wannabe ‘Pip the Goat’, I must say I was left extremely sceptical. After all, ‘you can’t win anything with kids’” – Jake Carty.
“Re: Barcelona’s Camp Nou mausoleum (Friday’s Bits and Bobs). Is this offering afterlife membership?” – Chris Wolff.
• Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is: Jake Carty.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service “for interesting people” in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren’t having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
BITS AND BOBS
A property website which has generated a lot of publicity recently will no longer sponsor the football club whose player’s action helped generate that publicity.
South Africa are considering getting rid of their Bafana Bafana nickname.
Doctors operating on José Mourinho’s knacked elbow will first determine which of his body parts he is talking out of to ensure there is no confusion as to where to apply the scalpel.
Andries Jonker has been tasked with steering the careers of Arsenal’s latest crop of 13-year-old Gabonese protegees after being appointed the club’s head of youth development.
Accrington Stanley have been fined £20,000 for the crime of appointing James Beattie as their manager, but only because he didn’t have the necessary qualifications.
And Jay Spearing has apologised for Bolton’s 7-1 thumping against Reading. “There are no positives to take from the game, it’s as simple as that,” he sobbed.
STILL WANT MORE?
DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY NOW!
The poor old Premier League doesn’t generate much debate in the mainstream media, so here’s a talking points blog to redress the balance.
The best goals of the week, including one by Bébé. Yes, Bébé.
Jamie Jackson dons his tin hat and dishes out player ratings to Manchester United’s squad for the season so far.
José Mourinho’s passion would have been adored at Old Trafford, coos Daniel Taylor.
Real Betis are doomed. Doomed, says Sid Lowe.
Oh, and if it’s your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
THAT IS HOW YOU LOSE
Simon Burnton
theguardian.com