The owner of World Wrestling Entertainment is said to be thinking of buying Newcastle United. Great news – the game could do with some of his showmanship

Exciting news from the States now. It has been reported that Vince McMahon, owner of World Wrestling Entertainment – who single-handedly popularised Hulk Hogan, giant foam hands, and whooping topless inside a San Antonio monster truck arena while two middle-aged men in their pants slap each other on the nipples for money – is keen to buy Newcastle United FC. (Admittedly the reports are flimsy and may well be false, but I had the 1992 Royal Rumble on VHS and I want this to be true so I’m going to pretend they’re fact.)

What a magnificent fact! Modern football sorely needs more showmanship, and this is absolutely McMahon’s wheelhouse. Under his influence, each Newcastle player would probably get their own distinct – albeit boneheaded – theme tune. Matches would grind to a halt after a particularly nasty tackle, so the tackler could be badmouthed by the tacklee, possibly while one of them rips their shirt off. Pitches would be littered with folded-up metal chairs with which, in the event of a dispute, they can knock the referee unconscious. Everyone in the stadium would feel compelled to chant “USA! USA!” over and over. Doesn’t that sound brilliant?

I mean it. I want this to happen. I want centre-back Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa to snatch away the postmatch microphone and whoop incomprehensibly after every match. I want Hatem Ben Arfa to paint his face and wear spiky shoulderpads to games. I want Alan Pardew to stand in the dugout holding an urn and wailing like Paul Bearer.

Vince McMahon, you’re the only man who can save football.

• Celebrity
• Newcastle United

Stuart Heritage

theguardian.com